THOUGHTS: The Internship


There is truth to the core of the story. 

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You can work hard and go to the right school, but nothing is guaranteed anymore. Even graduates from Elite schools, even the Magna Cum Laudes – not everyone beats life’s games. 

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We all deserve waking up, feeling like we have something magical to do for the rest of the day. We all deserve to be something, to be something for someone, to feel like what we do matters and to do exactly what we love and not to be stuck in our little four walls. 

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There’s still some dreams floating around out there. It’s not too late, you just gotta reach out and grab ‘em.

So I’ll leave you with this: 

DO WE STICK WITH WHAT WE KNOW? OR DO WE CHASE OUR DREAMS? 

Last Day again in Head Office.


Last Day again in Head Office.

I dont want to dwell on this too much. How’re they supposed to evaluate my performance if they were just giving me petty jobs? I have been asking them to give me work. Ugh. :s Anyway, I’ll be going back to the branch now.
Mixed Emotions. Cutting my wrist as of this moment. //
Grrr. I need to pray.

Fucking Work.


If you have ever gone through a toll booth, you know that your relationship to the person in the booth is not the most intimate you’ll ever have. It is one of life’s frequent non encounters: You hand over some money; you might get change; you drive off.Late one morning in 1984, headed for lunch in San Francisco, I drove toward a booth. I heard loud music. It sounded like a party. I looked around. No other cars with their windows open. No sound trucks. I looked at the toll booth. Inside it, the man was dancing.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m having a party,” he said.

“What about the rest of the people?” I looked at the other toll booths.

He said, “What do those look like to you?” He pointed down the row of toll booths.

“They look like…toll booths. What do they look like to you?”

He said, “Vertical coffins. At 8:30 every morning, live people get in. Then they die for eight hours. At 4:30, like Lazarus from the dead, they reemerge and go home. For eight hours, brain is on hold, dead on the job. Going through the motions.”

I was amazed. This guy had developed a philosophy, a mythology about his job. Sixteen people dead on the job, and the seventeenth, in precisely the same situation, figures out a way to live. I could not help asking the next question: “Why is it different for you? You’re having a good time.”

He looked at me. “I knew you were going to ask that. I don’t understand why anybody would think my job is boring. I have a corner office, glass on all sides. I can see the Golden Gate, San Francisco, and the Berkeley hills. Half the Western world vacations here…and I just stroll in every day and practice dancing.”

For weeks, I have been desperately looking for something to please me at work. Unfortunately, I’m stuck in a rut – full of self pity, anger, annoyance and hatred. I have been praying constantly to give me something. But other things, I suppose, drown out my prayers.

I am astonished by how this man thinks of his job. If  it was me, I would look at it as non rewarding routinary work. Imagine going to work every day handing out tickets to various people going everywhere and yet, you’re stuck there in a little box for 8 hours, with no one to talk to, with no boss to appraise you, with strangers shouting that you are slow.

I would have never thought of his work the way he pictured his day. I am somewhat ashamed of how lowly I think of my job compared to this fellow. He should much probably be better being a life mentor for the overly depressed people. Be my mentor. So what is the actual goodness in my job? Oh god. I still can’t think of any.

This is hopeless.

My brain is dead. My butt is sore. Work is unsatisfying. Opportunities are not presented. Colleagues are blah. HR is unfair. Supervisor’s expectations are low. Chances are not given. Self Comparison. World is bleak and dismal.

Back up a bit. This shouldn’t be my thoughts.

My brain is dead. My butt is sore. Work is unsatisfying. Opportunities are not presented. Colleagues are blah. HR is unfair. Supervisor’s expectations are low. Chances are not given. World is bleak and dismal.

With my idle time, I should read. Not tiring work? Exercise when I get home. Look for something else to do, Ask. Create my own opportunities. Smile and always be nice, still. I can’t do anything about HR. So, I should suck it up. Set high expectations for myself. I should not wait for it to be given, make it happen.

World will always be bleak and dismal. It will be my choice on how I will see things.

Ha! I am good in pretentions. :l So, I’ll smile and pray.

 

 

 

Depressing day – week – turning into a month.


There’s no perfect job, as everybody says. On the contrary, a lot of people, articles, magazines, blogs that tells us that you have to love your work – what you’re doing then you won’t have to work another day in your life.

Let’s tackle the first part. There is no perfect job. A lot of things should be considered. Right? Like what? Your boss should not be a mani-ac. There shouldn’t be any disgusting look – look where you feel that you are being undressed slowly. Ha-ha. Nor should there be any secretive cupping down south or up north. He, I’m not being a sexist. In my case, the boss is a ‘he’shows respect knowing that you are his subordinate.  Moreover, he should be able to teach you, be your mentor regarding your job and the smallest details like comment on how the sequence of your slides is presented up until how you will approach the big boss in an ethical and righteous manner with no sign of condescending tone. A plus would be someone who you can kid around and be with comfortably minus the awkward pauses in between. Someone who will be able to train you without holding back from fear that you will be replacing him, who knows how to give you credit, taps your back with little victories and talks to you and correct your mistakes, someone who doesn’t take credit for all your sleepless nights in the office.

You gotta have an amicable and congenial relationship with your fellow employees. Back in High school, we were always taught that college is the real world. But, college for me was pretty much the same with my High school. It was probably the fault of my school, for not providing us the real world environment in college. Articles in newspaper would have the Assumption branded as the Ateneo of Exclusive school for girls – if that’s true. I am from Assumption and I do not find my school anywhere near Ateneo. I would strongly prefer a competitive, killing-for-grades environment that other universities have to prepare me for work. I suppose, work has this love-hate relationship among its employees. My former boss –Paulo and Erwin, who I wish was still my boss, taught me CYA/SYA – Cover Your Ass / Save Your Ass which I reckon to apply in this love-hate relationship. I may never win the Miss Congeniality award, but I do think of my officemate’s welfare. And, I’m proud to say that out of my almost 1 year experience here, I have not done any evil scheme to advance my career unlike someone I know. I guess, there will always be this mentality to think of yourself first? How can you actually pick the people you are supposed to trust? High school and College cannot teach you that step by step with a process to follow and guidelines to keep you in track.

Pay! or Benefits. Depending on where you stand, and on what track you are trying to pursue, people may have different expectations. Honestly, I would have settled for 12 to 15 a month before with the ignorance that there are companies who will pay higher for positions such as where I am in. At the beginning, I was pleased. But now that I am about to have my first year at work, or am I getting older or more mature? What matters more to me is the kind of work.

The actual work. As you can see, compared to my previous posts, this is way too long. First, because I really want to express how depressing, unsatisfying and condescending my work is but also because I have nothing else to do – which also disgusts me, by the way. One has to love what she is doing. Just to give you the slightest brief of background, when my sister graduated and got employed by chinabank, I cannot fully comprehend why she would want to work in a bank. Until now actually, or I meant, before I got employed or no. Months after I got in BOC, I was still hesitant to work in a bank because what else could be the sole reason? I have absolutely no interest working in a bank, although, after months of deliberately trying to win my heart for the bank, I actually did – in some parts (products, in particular).

Actually, help me out here. I cannot fully equate respect, hardwork, skills, knowledge, time and effort with charm, humour and a little chit-chat with everyone.

I have zero charm in my body. My charm, in all aspects went out the window when I was still a toddler. And, generally, I am a shy person. Although I may appear to be a snob and confident because of my facial features, truth is, I would rather sit in a corner most of the time. I’m not the type who will approach a co-employee or even a boss and have a little chat unless I’m very close to the person in the first place.

After dilly-dally–ing and moping around, I talked to my mom – my comfort. She may not tell me the kindest words, but she tells me the truth. always. She doesn’t sugar coat and pretend that everything is okay now. She told me that whatever I’m experiencing – god has a reason for it. And that, maybe, God has a better plan for me ahead – way better than what I had planned for myself. Or, that this is supposed to teach me something and that, I will have my time.

So, I stopped crying, wiped my tears and went back to my cubicle. I even helped pusta to reserve a room for that meeting. Whew. Be the bigger person, always. I asked my judeyy to accompany me to the adoration to pray – for me to keep in mind what my mom discussed with me and to remind myself to use the idle time for more productive work than pushing myself to self-pity.